Learning to take a step back
Today was a wonderful start to the day, I woke up at 5 am with a cat cradled on my right arm, sleeping peacefully. She was so peaceful that I decided to set aside my initial plans of starting my day super early and visiting the temple to see the sunrise over the white ornate temple roof. I hugged her roundish soft body a little tighter and fell back into a second round of slumber only to be woken up by light flooding into my room at 10 am. Wanting to avoid the mad Mumbai traffic, I quickly had a shower, decided against having breakfast, booked an Uber and set out for the temple.
After a short ride of about 12 minutes, I reached the temple steps. I started to memorize every curve of the temple steps, the height at which the temple stood and observing how the temple rose from above in its white glory against the cloudy skies. After climbing around 40 stairs, I clicked some quick pictures of the beautiful temple. Making my way through the scant crowd that gathered to pay homage on a weekday morning, I entered the inner chambers of the temple which housed the shiva linga. For the first time in my life had I been this close to the inner sanctum and I took a few moments to enjoy the proximity and the luxury of having made it that close to the inner sanctum. India is a crowded country and Mumbai has the highest number of footsteps per sq. meter. I did indeed feel very privileged to come this close to the shiva linga (shiva idol). My trance was broken when I caught people carrying out the various traditions that come with being in such a privileged spot. Some threw flowers, others touched their heads to the linga as a sign of respect and homage and still others watered the idol and poured milk on its head. After observing each act for a minute or so, I picked mine and rushed outside to fill my lota (water container) with some water to offer to the shiva linga. I was instructed to first pour some on His head and then same at His feet. I took my time enjoying the act, then politely approached the pundit ji to put some chandan tilak on my forehead. One Quora user propounds the usage of tilak at exactly the mark between the eyebrows as:
"The area in which the mark is applied is between the eyebrows, called the Ajna Chakra. This is the point that most schools of Hinduism consider the entry and exit point of our jivaatma (soul). Scientifically, this Ajna Chakra area is often cited as the seat of thinking, concentration and memory. It is also the area which gets heated during stress and tension. Applying the tilak (generally using Chandan) has a cooling effect and aids concentration."
But my tilak did not make me feel more concentrated, I needed to sit by myself for some more time in meditation to acquire that forced sense of calm. Then I quietly walked out of the temple and sat for some breakfast at the nearby Udupi vegetarian joint. Poori Bhaji and coffee accompanied with some light reading of the "Getting Things Done" book. After some quiet minutes, I walked over to the nearby Chowpatty beach. By this time it was already noon and the sun was high above my head. Despite the breeze, it felt a bit humid and hot but even there at the now weekday-quiet Chowpatty I observed a young mom playing by the beach with her two young kids. When I got closer, I figured that she was not Indian. Before I got a chance to get closer, I was thinking in my head as to how this Indian lady walked away from a conventional day and took her children out to the beach to play. Indian mothers are protective, loving and caring but taking the children on a weekday to a beach instead of a school, is unthinkable by any Indian standards! I smiled when I noticed them speak a foreign tongue.
After a tiring walk back, I brought the cat back home for some lunch and a quick nap. I postponed my 4.30 pm appointment to 7 pm and decided to implement some of the "GTD" principles of bringing some organization to the chaos of my move. I first reached out to my landlord and then to my movers to tell them that I won't renew the lease and that I will need help in moving. Then I had to do the one task that I had been dreading the most, giving my signature on the offer letter which would signify my acceptance of a job in Delhi and my final commitment to move cities. I had been putting this off for weeks, hoping that I could somehow manage to stay back, get some more time to enjoy the company of my feline friend and just feel like I have "settled". I guess after signing the papers, the enormity of the decision finally started to set in. I felt sad, frustrated, like a fraud, like I wasn't good enough for Mumbai, frankly speaking like I HAD to resign to my fate to having to move. I questioned everything about my education, my hard work, why me? And yes, that's what drove me to write this blog. I took a step back while these voices screamed in my head. I asked myself what do you fear the most? Is it the change? Is it the fact that you see yourself as a failure? Or is it the start of another uphill climb of meeting a new set of expectations? The answer was I feared all of it and more. When I had moved to Mumbai, my first decision was to get an independent flat. Here I was claiming my worth, setting down a stone to say I am independent, a woman of my own making, I dreamt of how I wanted to buy new furniture, how I'd acquire new plants, a cat. This wasn't just a new job, I was out to make a new life. A life I have planned stone by stone. So, this abrupt end to my adventures obviously threw me away. My mind thought, what about the plant? What about the carefully selected twinkly lights above my bed? What about my now newly dependent cat?
And then a calming voice spoke to say, you will re-build, you will have to start afresh but you will create it all once more. This isn't the end, this is the beginning of more adventures with possibly people who will support you, admire you and pull you to be the best version of yourself. You shouldn't fear change, you should embrace it and once you embrace it, life will be fine no matter how different or uncertain it seems now. Just step back, relax, see the bigger picture and love every bit of it. I am happy now, at peace and ready for every challenge and novelty that comes my way tomorrow. Mostly because I am immensely grateful that the universe shows me new ways to live, new ways to change and adapt and throws so much more in my lap than what I had originally dreamt of.
After a short ride of about 12 minutes, I reached the temple steps. I started to memorize every curve of the temple steps, the height at which the temple stood and observing how the temple rose from above in its white glory against the cloudy skies. After climbing around 40 stairs, I clicked some quick pictures of the beautiful temple. Making my way through the scant crowd that gathered to pay homage on a weekday morning, I entered the inner chambers of the temple which housed the shiva linga. For the first time in my life had I been this close to the inner sanctum and I took a few moments to enjoy the proximity and the luxury of having made it that close to the inner sanctum. India is a crowded country and Mumbai has the highest number of footsteps per sq. meter. I did indeed feel very privileged to come this close to the shiva linga (shiva idol). My trance was broken when I caught people carrying out the various traditions that come with being in such a privileged spot. Some threw flowers, others touched their heads to the linga as a sign of respect and homage and still others watered the idol and poured milk on its head. After observing each act for a minute or so, I picked mine and rushed outside to fill my lota (water container) with some water to offer to the shiva linga. I was instructed to first pour some on His head and then same at His feet. I took my time enjoying the act, then politely approached the pundit ji to put some chandan tilak on my forehead. One Quora user propounds the usage of tilak at exactly the mark between the eyebrows as:
"The area in which the mark is applied is between the eyebrows, called the Ajna Chakra. This is the point that most schools of Hinduism consider the entry and exit point of our jivaatma (soul). Scientifically, this Ajna Chakra area is often cited as the seat of thinking, concentration and memory. It is also the area which gets heated during stress and tension. Applying the tilak (generally using Chandan) has a cooling effect and aids concentration."
But my tilak did not make me feel more concentrated, I needed to sit by myself for some more time in meditation to acquire that forced sense of calm. Then I quietly walked out of the temple and sat for some breakfast at the nearby Udupi vegetarian joint. Poori Bhaji and coffee accompanied with some light reading of the "Getting Things Done" book. After some quiet minutes, I walked over to the nearby Chowpatty beach. By this time it was already noon and the sun was high above my head. Despite the breeze, it felt a bit humid and hot but even there at the now weekday-quiet Chowpatty I observed a young mom playing by the beach with her two young kids. When I got closer, I figured that she was not Indian. Before I got a chance to get closer, I was thinking in my head as to how this Indian lady walked away from a conventional day and took her children out to the beach to play. Indian mothers are protective, loving and caring but taking the children on a weekday to a beach instead of a school, is unthinkable by any Indian standards! I smiled when I noticed them speak a foreign tongue.
After a tiring walk back, I brought the cat back home for some lunch and a quick nap. I postponed my 4.30 pm appointment to 7 pm and decided to implement some of the "GTD" principles of bringing some organization to the chaos of my move. I first reached out to my landlord and then to my movers to tell them that I won't renew the lease and that I will need help in moving. Then I had to do the one task that I had been dreading the most, giving my signature on the offer letter which would signify my acceptance of a job in Delhi and my final commitment to move cities. I had been putting this off for weeks, hoping that I could somehow manage to stay back, get some more time to enjoy the company of my feline friend and just feel like I have "settled". I guess after signing the papers, the enormity of the decision finally started to set in. I felt sad, frustrated, like a fraud, like I wasn't good enough for Mumbai, frankly speaking like I HAD to resign to my fate to having to move. I questioned everything about my education, my hard work, why me? And yes, that's what drove me to write this blog. I took a step back while these voices screamed in my head. I asked myself what do you fear the most? Is it the change? Is it the fact that you see yourself as a failure? Or is it the start of another uphill climb of meeting a new set of expectations? The answer was I feared all of it and more. When I had moved to Mumbai, my first decision was to get an independent flat. Here I was claiming my worth, setting down a stone to say I am independent, a woman of my own making, I dreamt of how I wanted to buy new furniture, how I'd acquire new plants, a cat. This wasn't just a new job, I was out to make a new life. A life I have planned stone by stone. So, this abrupt end to my adventures obviously threw me away. My mind thought, what about the plant? What about the carefully selected twinkly lights above my bed? What about my now newly dependent cat?
And then a calming voice spoke to say, you will re-build, you will have to start afresh but you will create it all once more. This isn't the end, this is the beginning of more adventures with possibly people who will support you, admire you and pull you to be the best version of yourself. You shouldn't fear change, you should embrace it and once you embrace it, life will be fine no matter how different or uncertain it seems now. Just step back, relax, see the bigger picture and love every bit of it. I am happy now, at peace and ready for every challenge and novelty that comes my way tomorrow. Mostly because I am immensely grateful that the universe shows me new ways to live, new ways to change and adapt and throws so much more in my lap than what I had originally dreamt of.
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